i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
