you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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