I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
