On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
