Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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