rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I will pee on everything he values.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
