Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
