Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The adults are the big ones right?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
