why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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