Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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