As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
