I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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