Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
