My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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