Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
