The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I cockslap morals
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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