Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm passing your future prison.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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