seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
