ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
