I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
