youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
