just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
