Dual....:-)
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
