Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My cat gives me a boner
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Randomize
