I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
...so i touched it.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
