he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
