Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
