Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
