dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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