Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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