ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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