I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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