dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
