A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
