either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
