is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
