He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
