i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
