this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Randomize
