The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
