I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
