Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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