The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
