When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
