ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
