I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
