i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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