im six kinds of drunk right now
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
