he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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