is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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